Saturday, January 12, 2013

"That's It?"

Elizabeth is very easily frightened, or perhaps Barbossa's crew is just very frightening. They drag the governor's daughter against her will all the way to the Isla de Muerta to use her blood to lift their curse. Then, they reach the creepy island shaped like an X.  Elizabeth is freaking out in her cabin when Pintel and Ragetti come to fetch her.  Ragetti: "Let's go poppet."  They tie her up and put the last piece of gold around her neck, as they all chant "ho, ho, ho, ho."  They seem to really want to make this a super dramatic scene.  She pretty much goes without a fight into the row boat and on to the cave.  She's completely stunned when they enter the cave, filled with treasures and gold.  Koehler, one of the pirates, just shoves her along: "Move."  Such gentlemen.  Ragettie bring in some of the other chests.  Pintel: "Ten years of hoarding swag."  
Ragetti: "Now we finally get to spend it."  As usual, they creepily laugh as they poor our the contents of their chest.  Expecting to find expensive riches, they look down and see women's clothing.  Awkward.  Ragetti picks up a pink dress and examines it.  Pintel: "Once we're quit of the curse, we'll be rich men, and you can buy an eye what fits and is made of glass."  Ragettie now opens up an  umbrella (bad luck).  Ragetti: "This one does splinter something terrible."  Pintel: "Stop rubbing it!"  Just then the bo'sun comes over, judging the fact that his crew mates in ladies clothing.  PIntel in rosponse hits Ragetti with his umbrella.  Barbossa gathers everyone together.  He and Elizabeth stand above everyone next to the gigantic chest filled with the Aztec Gold.  Barbossa: "Our orment is near an end!  For ten years we've been tested and tried, and each man here has proved his mettle a hundred times over and a hundred times again!"  The whole crew cheers in agreement.  Elizabeth just freaks out there.  Ragetti: "Suffered, I have!"  Barbossa: "Punished we were, the lot of us, disproportionate to our crime!  Here it is!  The cursed treasure of Cortes himself.  Every last piece that went astray, we have returned.  Save for this!"  
Barbossa really know how to preach it.  Maybe he was a Great Awakening precher.  Barbossa: "Who among us has paid the blood sacrifice owed to the heathen gods?And whose blood yet be paid?"  The whole crew cries: "HER!"  Barbossa turns to Elizabeth now.  Barbossa: "You know the first thing I'm going to do after the curse is lifted?  Eat a whole bushel of apples!"  Barbossa is only slightly obsessed with apples.  He then has her bend over the chest as the whole crew continues to chang "Blood!  Blood!  Blood!"  How morbid.  Barbossa: "Begun by blood.  By blood undone."  He pulls the peice of gold from the necklace around her neck, and grabs her left hand.  He slits her palm and squeezes the blood on the gold.  It's a little gross, because we can probably all imagine the stinging feeling.  She gasps a bit, but then is relieved.  Elizabeth: "That's it?"  She totally thought they were going to kill her on the spot, in stead they just needed to prick her finger.  The pain in her hand might have stung, but she's probably just happy to be breathing.  
Barbossa: "Waste not."  He forces the bloody medallion out of her and and it dramatically falls into the the chest.  It turns a few times in the air for dramatic effect.  The whole crew closes their eyes dramatically for a few seconds, waiting for something to happen, but nothing very notable does.  So they all kinda just stare at themselves.  Koehler: "Did it work?"  Pintel: "I don't feel no different."  Ragetti: 'How do we tell?"  Barbossa just rolls his eyes at his stupid crew.  He pulls out his pistol and shoots pintel right in the chest.  Wow, he's willing to risk killing his crew member right after his life has begun just to test the curse?  That was kind.  Koehler: "You're not dead!"  Pintel: "No."  Then it hits him.  Pintel: "You shot me!"  The crew doesn't really care about Pintel either.  Crew: "It didn't work.  The curse is still upon us!"  Barbossa examines his knife, making sure there was actually blood.  You agrily turns back to Elizabeth: "You, maid!  Your father, what was his name?  Was your father William Turner?"  He has her by her sholders and is angrily shaking her.  Elizabeth: "No."  Barbossa: "Where's his child that sailed from England eight years ago and in whose veins flows the blood of William Turner? WHERE?"  
She just stares at him cleverly.  So he slaps her across the face, with quite a bit of force because she falls over and faints.   Except Barbossa is an idiot and he sends his Aztec godl down there with her.  What an awkward scene.  The crew thought they finally had the answer to their prayers, only to find that she conned them all.  They did this whole dramatic ceremony and speech for absolutely nothing.

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