Thursday, June 28, 2012

"I Support The Missionary's Position"

In The Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, when Captain Jack Sparrow realizes that there's a possibility he may not survive the Fountain of Youth, he consults his dear friend: Philip Swift.  Philip is washing his face off in a stream when Jack sits down next to him.  Jack: "Clergyman.  On the off chance that this does not go well for me, I would like it noted here and now that I am fully prepared to believe in whatever I must, so that I may be welcomed into that place where all the goody-goodies get to go.  Savvy?"  YAY!  After Robby Greene's many talks to Jack about the Bible, he's finally considering it!  Philip: "We have a word for that, Jack.  You can convert."  Jack: "I was thinking more of an as-needed basis."  Sorry Jack, as much as I'd love to see you in the Kingdom of Heaven, I'm not so sure it really works like that.  Philip just smiles amusedly at Jack.  Not a very good missionary if you ask me.  
But Philip gets distracted when he sees the mermaid, Syrena, in her coffin gasping for air.  He quickly jumps up.  Philip: "Quartermaster!"  Quartermaster: "Aye?"  Philip: "She cannot breathe!"  Quartermaster: "She has water."  Clearly, the water isn't doing her much good.  Do you want a dead mermaid?  Didn't you go through all that trouble to catch her alive to get fresh tears?  Philip: "She needs air!"  Philip runs over to the coffin and tries to open it, but it's locked.  Philip: "Open this."  Quartermaster: "She will escape."  Philip: "You're killing her."  Jack is sitting in the background, with his mind still on "that place where all hte goody-goodies get to go".  Since converting isn't really on his priorities, he hopes that backing up a clergyman will be enough.  Jack: "I support the missionary's position."  It might take a little more than that, sorry.  
The quartermaster just begins to laugh at that.  But while he's laughing, Philip grabs his sword right out of his sheathe.  He shoves the sword into the crack in the coffin.  He pulls it upward, allowing air to come in.  She gasps the air very quickly.  Just in time, Philip.  Except, he almost stabbed her with the sword when she shoved in there.  That would be a little counter productive, killing her while trying to give her air to breathe.  Philip: "See?"  You showed him!  Even through he clearly sees, the quartermaster angrily pulls out his sword.  Philip again acts quickly.  He puts his Bible in place of the sword (how metaphoric!), keeping it open a bit.  She's saved the the Word of God, how also metaphoric!  Blackbeard however, is not so touched and commands everyone to continue.
Blackbeard is so keen on hurrying up, that because his crew is moving so fast, the drop the coffin and the whole thing shatters.  What a clutz.  Blackbeard, instead of getting mad at the crew, is angry at her.  Blackbeard: "You will walk."  Philip runs over and allows her to wear his shirt.  In the previous scene, his act of kindness for her was sweet.  But when he puts his shirt on her, it's a bit creepy.  The he helps her stand up.  She tries to take a step but falls down.  Syrena: "I cannot."  Blackbeard and Angelica just look at her indifferently.  Blackbeard: "Walk or die."  Why is everyone so keen on killing her?  The quartermaster draws out his sword an points it at her.  So now he can kill her and they can turn around again and revisit Whitecap Bay and pick up another one!  That would be a great idea.  
Philip  saves the day!  Philip: "Put your arms around me."  Syrena snaps back at him: "I do not ask for help."  And I'm sure you didn't ask to get hauled around in a coffin to your death, but you better just go with it.  Too bad Jack is off getting the Chalices and can't stick up for our dear preacher again.Philip: "But you need it."  Truer words could not be spoken.  She timidly slips her arm around him.  He stands up with her in his arms as though she weighs nothing.  Philip: "We're in a hurry, yes?"  Blackbeard continues to look the same.  Blackbeard: "Do not fall behind."  What a grump he is.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

"And guess what's inside it!"

 I'm sure we all remember the epic 3-way duel between our favorite Captain:Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, and James Norrington; But what we sometimes forget is the hilarious situation that incurs afterwords.  Jack thinks he has the heart of Davy Jones in his jar of dirt (oddly given to him to protect him from Davy Jones) But unfortunately he doesn't.  However, he is unaware that he has lost control of that secret weapon. So completely ignorant of everything, Jack waves his prize in the face of Davy Jones,  Jack Sparrow: [holds up jar of dirt] Oi! Fish-Face! Lose something? Eh? Scungilli! [falls down stairs, holds up jar again] Jack Sparrow: Got it! Come to negotiate, eh? Have you, you slimy git? Look what I got. Jack Sparrow: [sing-song] I got a jar of dirt, I that got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!    (Or rather guess whats not inside...) Now where is the heart you might ask?  I might answer, sneaky Norrington stole it after he skulked off somewhere in between stabbing at people with his sword.  Where did he take? Well he took it to two people I personally don't like very much,  Lord Cutler Beckett and Mr. Mercer.  
Mr. Mercer: The last of our ships is returned. Lord Cutler Beckett : Is there any news on the chest? Mr. Mercer: None. But one of the ships did pick up a man adrift at sea. [drops the Letters of Marque on the desk] Mr. Mercer: He had these. [Beckett opens the letter to look at it before looking up at Norrington] Norrington : I took the liberty of filling in my name. Lord Cutler Beckett: If you intend to claim these, then you must have something to trade. Do you have the Compass? Norrington: [shakes his head] Better. [tosses a bag onto Beckett's desk] Norrington: The heart of Davy Jones.    Well Norrington now that we all know you are a sleazeball lets move onWell actually we are going backwards cause we had to deal with Mr. Sleazeball.  We join Jack and his crew as they desperately try to fight the Kraken, they buy some time by cutting off one of the Kraken tentacle thingys, But he come back soon after and weaves his tentacles threw the ship and starts flinging people and things around.
Somehow Jack's jar of dirt got knocked over in all this craziness and Jack discovers that the heart has been stolen, and after searching through all that wonderful dirt it's still not there, imagine that?!? Well back to the fight,  The crew declares the battle to be lost and elects to abandon ship (LAME!), They all start to load up the escape boats(which are rather old and not very safe looking)When Elizabeth decides to take maters into her own hands, we all know what happens next. But lets rehash it just for fun! Elizabeth seduces our hero and handcuffs him to the main mast of the Black Pearl and sends him to his doom, or so she thought. Our brave hero (Jack of course) escapes from his bonds almost early enough to escape  the Kraken's wrath, But unlike his cowardly crew he faced the evil Kraken Head on.( he also faced living with 100 of himselves in the land of deserts with ships in the middle of them. But he doesn't know that yet) and unfortunately He (our beloved Jack) was eaten by the Kraken, darn.  This is what happens when you let women on board ships, wonderful people get eaten!  Why does anyone ever listen to her?(Elizabeth that it is)  This act of stupidity comes back to bite her in the butt many many times. She almost lost Will over this.  What an idiot.
Well anyways, after the crazy long day of battling sea monsters and making poor life decisions, Tia Dalma meets with the survivors of the Kraken attack to drink and remember their fallen captain, Elizabeth tries to lighten the mood by giving the lamest toast ever "He was a good man"(emphasis on the word tries) and then Will tries to comfort Elizabeth who is clearly remorseful (But he interprets it as sadness) By saying that they would do anything to get Jack back, Hold on wait a minute aren't we in the presence of a voodoo witch? Well Tia Dalma know where they have to go to get Jack back But she can't really steer a ship, So using her amazing magic skills she somehow brings back dearly departed Captain Hector Barbossa to guide them on their journey.(Who in their right mind would bring back that creep? Oh yeah she isn't in her right mind,) "All right. But if you go and brave the weird and haunted shores at World's End, then you'll need a captain who knows those waters." (Wow so encouraging.)    Hector has a one track mind when it comes to living again, He just wants his apple and then his ship. But lets not forget about your wonderful friend (okay frenemy) out there waiting to be rescued from the land of the dead! Seriously people. And after Mr. Fruit-Lover gets his apple they make plans to set sail for the World's End.  (apparently they didn't get the update, the world is round people! Clearly they drink to much rum.) Hopefully they find Jack before he shoots himself, or dislocates his shoulder trying to pull a ship or something crazy like that!

Friday, June 22, 2012

"I Ain't No Ghost"

If you haven't read The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Price of Freedom by A.C. Crispin, then you're really missing out because it's one of the best books I've read.  So, if you are one of these unfortunate people, then I give you two options: stop reading this post because there are spoilers and read one of our other awesome posts OR read this awesome posts and find out all about one of my favorite characters, Chamba.
At the beginning of the novel Chamba is a slave working for a man named Mr. Blount who sells provisions to the East India Trading Company Ships in Calabar in the northwest coast of Africa.  Mr. Blount is a cheater.  He gives Captain Jack Sparrow, the Captain of Cutler Beckett and the EITC's boat, the Wicked Wench, very bad provisions for his ship with a good layer of provisions ontop in hopes that no one will notice until they are far out at sea. But Jack, of course, is too smart for him and checks before leaving the port.  He goes down to the provision warehouse to have a talk.  Mr. Blount: "The Wicked Wench?  Why I dispatched the first lad of provisons just to her today, Captain Sparrow.  You didn't receive them?"  Jack: "I brought them back, Mr. Blount, is what I did.  And unless you immediately furnish me with my full stowage of clean flour, and vermin-free biscuit, plus salt beef and pork that won't run through a man like seawater through a breached hull, my men are going to take these barrels up the street to Mr. Beckett's office and take them inside.  And then perhaps, we'll tell Mr. Beckett where they come from, just before we spill them on the floor, eh, mate?" Captain Jack is taking charge!  Of course, Mr. Blount isn't very happy about being caught but he gives Jack the fair provisions anyways.  He then blames Chamba for the "mistake" and beats him nearly to death later.  Chamba is smart though.  He pretends to be dead and when Mr. Blount is gone, he runs away.  
He finds the Wicked Wench and climbs onto the window of Jack's cabin.  Jack at first thinks its Chamba's ghost coming to haunt him.  Chamba: "Cap'n Sparrow? Please, help! I ain't no ghost, I'm me. I be hanging here, outside the window."  Jack, who avoids participating in slavery or the slave trade, pulls Chamba into his cabin and  cares for his wounds inflicted by Blount.  Afterwards, Chamba requests for his freedom.  
Chamba: "Going with you, Cap'n, please.  Stay here, on the ship.  The ship, she be free.  Your sailor men, they free.  Me, I want become like them.  A sailor man.  Learn the sailor trade.  Sail far away from here."  So Jack agrees to hire Chamba secretly but Chamba must hide until they leave Calabar so he doesn't get recaptured.  Jack is so clever that even when Mr. Blount and slave hunter come on board the Wench in search of the runaway, they don't find him.  Chamba stays hidden until Jack instructs the crew to make port at St. Jago, an island off the coast to get more supplies.  Jack then pretends that while he's there he hires Chamba to be a cabin boy.  No one except Robby Greene, the first mate, knows where Chamba truly comes from.  Chamba proves to be great help to Jack as he helps in the "escape" of Ayisha and her brother, Shabako.  Chamba becomes such good friends with Ayisha and Shabako that when the reach the secret island of Kerma, Chamba tells Jack that he will stay behind in Kerma, and of course Jack is sad to see Chamba leave.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

"You'd Best Start Believing in Ghost Stories"

Our dear friend Elizabeth Swann is tricked into being a captive on board the Black Pearl in The Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.  If Jack had been captain of the Pearl at that time, she probably wouldn't have been so miserable, but creepy Barbossa loves to make her feel uncomfortable.  He sendds Pintel and Ragetti to fetch her for dinner.  Pintel: "You'll be dining with the captain,  and he requests you wear this."  Elizabeth eyes the crimson dress Pintel holds in his hand and then mocklingly replies: "Well, you may tell the captain that I am disinclined to acquiesce to his request."  Now how does this sound familiar?  Elizabeth is mimicking Barbossa's resonse to her in this scene.  But Barbossa thinks of everything.  Pintel: "He said you'd say that.  He also said if that be the case, you'll be dining with the crew, and you'll be naked."  Pintel and Ragetti giggle at this.  How mature.  Elizabeth angrily grabs the dress.  Pintel glares at her: "Fine."  Did you really think she was going to dine with you . . . without clothes?
So Barbossa prepares a pretty large meal for her.  Since niether him or any of the crew can eat, there is a lot of spare food.  Elizabeth slowly starts to eat, like a lady we know she isn't.    Barbossa: "There's no need to stand on ceremony,  no call to impress anyone.  You must be hungry."  She then sets her fork down and does the exact opposite, shoving her face with chicken and bread and wine.  It's not until Barbossa offers her an apple that she slows down.  Elizabeth: "It's poisoned."  As usual, Barobssa chuckles.  Barbossa: "There would be no sense to be killing you, Miss Turner."  Elizabeth: "Then release me.  You have your trinket.  I"m of now further value to you."  
Barbossa pulls out the lovely "trinket" of his.  Barbossa: "You don't know what this is, do you?"  Elizabeth: "It's a pirate medallion."  You're an intelligent young lady.  NOT!  Barbossa: "This is Aztec gold.  One of 882 identical pieces.  (That is a very specific number)  They delivered in a stone chest to Cortes himself.  Blood money paid to stem the slaughter he wreaked upon them with his armies.  But the greed of Cortes was insatiable.  So the heathen gods placed upon the gold. . . a terrible curse.  Any mortal that removes but a single piece from that stone chest shall be punished for eternity."  Dun dun dun! Elizabeth clearly does not understand the intensity of all this.  Elizabeth: "I hardly believe in ghost stories any more, Captian Barbossa."  Pompous?  I think so.  Barbossa: "Aye.  That's exactly what I thought when we were first told the tael."  He gets up and starts walking around her.  As he is talking, she picks up her table knife and keeps it in her lap.  Barbossa: "Bured on an Island of the Dead what cannot be found, except for those who know where it is.  (Why is everything in the pirate world like that?)  Find it we did.  There be the chest.  Inside be the gold.  We took 'em all!  We spent 'em and traded 'em and firttered 'em away on drink and food and pleasurable company.  The mroe we gave 'em away, the more we came to realize the drink would not satify.  
Food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust.  We are cursed men, Miss Turner.  Compelled by greed we were, but now . . . we are consumed by it.    THere is one way we can end our curse.  All teh scattered pieces of the Aztec gold must be restored and the blood repaid.  Thanks to ye, we have the final piece."  Elizabeth: "And the blood repaid?"  Wait for it. . . It gets even better!  Barbossa: "That's why there's no sense to be killing you.  Yet."  So they dragged her on this voyage to offer her up as a sacrafice to lift the curse.  But in the mean time, she can have as many apples as she wants! Fair deal, aye?  I guess nto because Elizabeth chases him around the cabin with her little knife.  Finally, she stabs him in the heart with it.  She seems more suprpised and scared than the one who actually got stabbed.  Barbossa just pulls the knife from his chest and examins it.  Barbossa: "I'm curious.  After killing me, what is it you're planning on doing next?"  Yeah, if he were dead it would be you and your knife against the rest of the crew, who want to eat wtih you, naked.  Oh, Elizabeth.  
Out of horror and shock she runs out of the cabin only to find a more disturbing scene.  The crew is hard at work in the dead of night with the full moon out, exposing their creey skeletons.  After going on an adventure throughout the haunted ship (which was sort of like an rollercoaster meets haunted house), she runs back to the safety of the cabin.  Barbossa catches her there.  Barbossa: "Look!  The moonlight shows us for what we really are.  We are not among the living, and so we cannot die.  But niether are we dead.  For too long I've been parched of thirst and unable to quench it.  Too long I've been starvin' to death and haven't died.  I feel nothin'.   Not the wind in my face, nor the spray of the sea, nor the warmth of a woman's flesh.  You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss turner.  You're in one!" 

Monday, June 18, 2012

"I Release You From Your Human Bonds"

Since Beckett and Davy Jones are plotting the death of piracy, all the pirate Lords agree to meet to discuss the problem.  Jack, the pirate lord of the Caribbean, and Barbossa, the Pirate Lord of the Caspian Sea are of course going.  But Barbossa has some secret plans that only Sao Feng, Jack, and Elizabeth know about.  He intends to release Calypso, the goddess of the sea bound in human form: Tia Dalma.  Before sailing to Shipwreck Cove where the meeting will be held, Barbossa has a pretty intense talk with Tia Dalma regarding the secret plan.  Barbossa: "I do not renege on a bargain once struck.  But we agreed on ends only.  The means are mine to decide."  Barbossa then tries to creepily touch her face.  Tia Dalma quickly grabs his hand.  Tia Dalma: "Caution, Barbossa.  Do not forget it was by my power you return from the dead.  Or what it mean if you fail me."  
She turns his hand into the cursed skeleton form it used to be after he stole the Aztec gold.  She changes his hand back to normal and begins to stomp away.  Barbossa angrily grabs her arm and keeps her from running.  Barbossa: "Don't you forget why you had to bring me back.  Why I couldn't not leave Jack to his well-deserved fate.  It took nine pirate lords to bind you, Calypso.  And it'll take no less than nine to set you free.  Masters Pintel and Ragetti.  Take this fishwife to the brig."  Pintel and Ragettie grab each of her arms (this is the first time we actually hear their whole names spoken.)  Pintel: "Right this way, Mrs. Fish."  Is she Calypso?  Is she Tia Dalma?  Is she Mrs. Fish?  It's so confusing.  Jack watches suspiciously from a distance and Barbossa examines his hand to make sure its back to normal.  So now Barbossa has to convince the Brethren Court to release Calypso or else she'll turn him back to his cursed self for not sticking to the deal.  Calypso agreed to bring him back from the dead to rescue Jack so that Jack and Barbossa can be present at Shipwreck Cove to release her.  
And Barbossa does indeed follow through with his promises.  With Jack taken on board Beckett's ship and unable to protest, Barbossa takes his piece of eight, as well as his own and the rest of the Brethren Court's.  He ties Calypso up on deck of the Pearl and the ceremony begins.  Pintel holds the peices of eight in front of her and everyone gathers around.  Gibbs: "Be there some manner of rite or incantation?"  Barbossa: "Aye.  The items brought together, DONE.  Items to be burned . . ."  Ragettie brings forward the stuff to light it on fire.  Barbossa: "and someone must speak the words: 'Calypos, I release you from your human bonds.'"  Pintel: "Is that it?"  DO NOT QUESTION THE SACRED RITUAL!  Barbossa: "'Tis said it must be spoken as if to a lover."  The whole crew gets very excited by this.  Barbossa holds up this stick with fire at the tip and declares, rather loudly, "Calypso, I release you from your human bonds!"  Is that how you usually yell at lovers?  He brings the fire towards the pieces or eight.  Everyone steps back and intense music plays.  
But nothing happens.  Pretty anti-climatic.  
Tia Dalma gives Barbossa a death stare.  Pintel: "Is that it?"  Well, considering nothing happened, I don't think so.  Ragetti: "No, no, no.  He didn't say it right. He didn't . . . You have to say it right."  Everyone stares awkwardly as Ragettie slowly whispers in Tia Dalma's ear: "Calypso, I release you from your human bonds."  This seems to do the trick as the pieces of eight suddenly catch on fire.  Everyone jumps back.  Tia Dalma inhales the smoke the fire gives off and you can tell that she's about to transform.  As she is shaking and inhaling, Will steps forward, despite the fact that he's being restrained.  Will: "Tia Dalma.  Calypso.  When the Brethren Court imprisoned you, who was it that told them how?   Who was it that betrayed you?"  Tia Dalma: "Name him."  Will: "Davy Jones."  He practically spits this out.  With that she begins to grow bigger and bigger, shaking with rage.  Pintel gets super excited.  Pintel: "This is it!  This is it!" 
The ropes can't hold her down and she's now taller than the main mast.  Finally, when she stops growing, Barbossa steps forward and kneels down, as does the rest of the crew.  Barbossa: "Calypso!   I come before you as but a servant, humble and contrite.  I have fulfilled me vow and now ask your favor.  Spare me-self, me ship, me crew . . . but unleash your fury upon those who dare pretend themselves your masters. . . or mine." Calypso screams at him angrily in a super deep voice but no one can understand what she is saying.  She then turns into hundreds and hundreds of crabs which fall all over the boat and into the ocean.  How very odd.  Now that she's gone, the crew becomes rather disappointed.  They were hoping she would use her powers as a goddess to help them defeat Beckett.  And as we later find out, she does by creating a very intense storm during the battle.  Originally, she planned on destroying the Brethren Court since the First Brethren Court bound her in her human form.  But Will finds out that Calypso was Davy Jones' love, but out of anger at her, Davy Jones' helped the Brethren Court bind her.  Thanks to Will's reminder, she turns against Jones and helps lead the pirates to victory.  HUZZAH!  

Sunday, June 17, 2012

"My Compass Works Fine."

So being a pirate has its perks, (constantly being drunk comes to mind.)  But seriously who else get to sail around the world finding treasure and fighting bad guys? Jack Sparrow would be complete lost on all of these voyages  without his trusty compass, lets face it being drunk all the time isn't so great when you have to steer a ginormous ship.  Jack is always pulling out his compass to make sure they are still on course, and miles away from large  sea monsters and crazy old pirates. So today i'm going to list my favorite "headings". 
4. The secret Island of Kerma.
Before Jack Sparrow was a pirate, he captained a merchant vessel  The Wicked Wench. He was given a mission by Cutler Beckett to find the lost island of Kerma,  nobody knew if it actually existed or where in the world it might be, except for a slave girl named Ayisha,  She was secretly a princess but not many people knew about that.  She help Jack and his crew find the island but begged for Jack to help them remain hidden.  Jack had a thing for this girl so he decided to give up his chance for gold and a promotion to help her people. How sweet! When he returned from his journey Beckett wasn't very pleased, He tried to burn Jack's ship and almost killed our beloved captain. But Jack summoned Davy Jones and struck a deal with him that cam back to bite him in the butt many many times.
3.  The Fountain of Youth.
 Jack kind of stumbled on to this journey, after being kidnapped by his former love Angelica and press ganged into her crew.  He was forced to use his compass a few times on this treasure hunt because Blackbeard kept throwing him off cliffs and trusting him to find his own way. Lucky for him he did....eventually.  After he reunited with Blackbeard/Angelica's crew it became apparent that he had no idea where he was, or more importantly where the fountain was.  Against all odds he figured out how to open the wall (crazy right?)  that led to the fountain.  believe Unfortunately he had to kill Blackbeard to save Angelica.  (oh yeah he doesn't care about her at all....we totally believe that.)  And then he marooned her on an island. Hmm, Jack's logic is a little off....Maybe he was a little drunk?  
2.  Isla de Pelegostos. 
This island was found by Jack first, and intended to stay and rule as the chief,  but dumb Will got  captured by some cannibals and was placed in a cage with the other members of the crew, He also came up with the escape plan, While all of this is going on, Jack is siting pretty on his thrown thinking he is pretty much set for life. Until the cannibals decided they wanted to eat him.The crew had escaped, and started setting sail without Jack. (how rude!)  But he made it on board just in time to escape the cannibals looking very nice in their "time to eat our god in human form" paint.
1.  Isla de Muerta. 
 Jack actually finds this island twice during the movie,  The first time he and will when in together to check it out,  will slunk off to do something stupid, while Jack negotiated the release of Elizabeth Swann.  Jack revisited the island after chatting it up with Norrington to fight Barbossa and reclaim his ship.  He won the battle of course (he's Jack Sparrow duh)  and got some treasure out of it i'm sure, just no Aztec gold.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

"There's Been A Horrible Mistake"

Usually, when Jack meets old friends they want something from him.  Anamaria wants her ship back, Will wants his compass, Beckett wants him dead, and Angelica wants her way to the Fountain of Youth.  So to accomplish this she knocks him out and forces him onto her ship.  This isn't the first time Jack's been knocked out and press-ganged into a crew by a good friend (hint hint, Christophe;).  
So when Jack wakes up onboard The Queen Anne's Revenge as a member of the crew, he's not all that happy.  He gets flipped out of his hamock and onto the floor with a gruff: "Show a leg sailor!"  Jack, out of instinct from being a sailor all his life, replies: "Aye, sir!"  Jack then remembers that his days of taking orders have been long gone.  Jack: "What?  There's been a horrible mistake."  This is when we are first introduced to Scrum, a fellow crew mate on board.  Scrum: "Keep moving."  Now everyone is giving Jack orders.  Jack: "I'm not supposed to be here."  Scrum: "Many a man's woken up at sea, no idea what, when, wherefore or why.  No memory of the night afore whence he signed up and drank away all his bonus money." 
Scrum starts to laugh at Jack as they begin to do their chores.  He thinks Jack spent all his money on rum and in his drunk state joined the crew.  Jack is no stranger to rum, as we all know, but we also know that Angelica shot him to sleep.  Jack: "No, no, no.  You don't understand, mate.  I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.  The original.  The only."   You tell him!!!  Scrum: "Scrum, and the pleasure's all mine.  Now, keep moving."  Jack and Scrum are then assigned to mop the floor.  Rather below Captain Jack Sparrow.  Jack: "Why is there a glass coffin?"  For the mermaid of course!  Except our favorite character Philip Smith informs us that mermaids can't be locked away with no air.  So the coffin was for nothing :/  Scrum: "Do I look like a man in charge?"  NO!  Jack should be incharge but instead he's scrubbing the deck along side with you!  
Jack: "Where am I?"  By this point Jack still has no idea what ship he's on and the only person he's met is Scrum, who doesn't seem like the brightest guy.  Scrum: "'Scuse me, Captain Sparrow, sir.  I be right honored to welcome you aboard our world-reowned vessel of infamy, Queen Anne's Revenge."  Dun-dun-DUN!  Jack, like any true pirate, recognizes this ship the second the words leave Scrum's lips.  Jack: "Blackbeard."  Cue dramatic and haunting music!  Now they're scrubbing the main deck with rags as creepy looking quartermasters stomp around.  Jack: "He's a curious one."  Scrum: "He's been zombiefied."  Jack doesn't like the sound of this: "Eh?"  Scrum: "Blackbeard's doing.  All the officers are the same.  Makes 'em more compliant."  One of the zombies whips someone.  Jack: "And perpetually ill-tempered."  
This voyage just keeps getting better and better for Jack, doesn't it?  Not only must he serve as a crew member, but he's serving under angry zombie men!  This makes the two quickly snap back to work.  As they break for some water, Jack asks about our dear friend Philip who is tied up.  Scrum explains his story.  Scrum: "First mate sticking her neck out for some prisoner.  That you don't see."  That's not the shocking part of the story to Jack.  Jack: "'Her?' First mate is a 'her'?"  Now Jack's not sexist or anyting.  Some of his best lady friends are captains of their own ships (Esmeralda) and he has no problem admitting to liking "beautiful, bossy, competent woman", he's just not so big a fan of being forced to serve on their crew.  That's when he sees her, Angelica, standing on the quarterdeck overseeing all the action on deck.  This is not going to fly.  
So he corners her below deck with a hook.  Jack: "You are a ruthless, soulless, cross-grained cur."  But not a very brave one though as she is trembling with fear as he restrains her.  Angelica: "I told you I had a ship."  Jack: "No, Blackbeard has a ship, upon which I am now imprisoned."  Thank you so much Angelica!  Angelica starts pulling out of her butt about how they can sail together like they always wanted to gain immortality.  Jack's not falling for it this time.  Jack: "Blackberad.  Edward Teach.  The pirate all pirates fear.  Resurrector of the dead in his spare time."  Jack's not too happy about this situation here.  Angelica: "He will listen to me."  Not fooling Jack.  Jack: "He listens to no one."  Angelica: "Maybe to his own daughter?" 
 This seems to catch Jack's attention.  Angelica: "Long-lost.  Recently found.  Who loves her dear papa with all her soul."  Well, you must not love him very much because according to Jack, you have no soul! Jack: "He bought that?"  Who'd have though that Blackbeard would have a heart?  Angelica: "I sold that."  Jack: "Then it's the Fountain of Youth for him, or him and you, not you and me."  Again, thanks a lot Angelica!  This is just not Jack's day.  But not to worry, Jack always finds a way!  Hey, that sort of rhymes!

Monday, June 11, 2012

"Hello, Beastie"

"Let no joyful voice be heard! Let no man look up at the sky with hope! And let this day be cursed by we who ready to wake…the Kraken!" -Davy Jones.  Isn't this a really nice thought?  Really brightens up my day.  Davy Jones is very proud of his disgusting, vile, vicious pet, the kraken.  Whenever he needs to destroy a ship but is too lazy to make his immortal crew to do it, he sends out his little pet.  Like father like son.  Sort of.  Not really.  You know what I mean.  Jones instructs the crew of the Flying Dutchman to crank this wheel, which thumps the water and calls the dear kraken.  As he does this he sings a little melody to it, pronouncing it "krack-in".  Pintel and Ragetti have some what of an obsession over this beautiful beast.  Pintel: "I don't think it's 'Kracken,' anyways. Always heard it said 'Kray-kin'."  Ragetti: "What? With a long "A"? Na-na-na-na, "Kroh-ken"'s how it's pronounced in the original Scandinavian, and Kracken's closer to that."  Pintel: "Well we ain't original Scandinavians, are we? Kray-kin."  Ragetti:"It's a mythological creature, I can calls it what I wants!"  It's DAVY JONES' mystical creature so therefore it's pronounced how Jones' pronounces it.  
Do you really want to disagree with someone who owns a gigantic sea monster?  Jack tries tricking Jones and we all know how well that works out.  Bootstrap Bill stops on board the Black Pearl to warn Jack that if he doesn't join Jones' crew soon, the kraken will come after him.  Bootstrap gives Jack the black spot, which is how the kraken knows who to hunt.  In a hurry to get out of the open water and away from Jones' territory, Jack quickly sails the crew inland, but looses his dear hat in all the crazyness.  Gibbs offers to turn around to retrieve it, but Jack is too desperate to return.  So strange sailors who don't speak English pick up Jack's hat in the middle of the ocean.  They get a good laugh out of it, before they die; their whole ship is swallowed up by the kraken.
When Will Turner secretly escapes the Flying Dutchman with the key to the chest of Davy Jones, the captain is of course not happy.  But he can already see the ship in which Will is on.  It probably wouldn't be too hard to sail on over, board the ship, take will back, and then kill him.  But where would be the fun in that?  Plus, then Will would for sure die.  These innocent sailors, of course, freak out when they see the Dutchman.  Will: "I've doomed us all."  Not gonna lie, you kinda did.  Then, the ship suddenly is attacked by the evil sea monster.  Captain: "Oh, Mother Carey's chickens!  What happened?"  Wow.  Mother Carely's chickens?  First odds bodkins and now Mother Carely's chickens?  Please, I know you are about to die, but PLEASE control your language.  This is a Disney movie!  Everyone but Will seems to think they ran into a reef and that is why they are halted.  
Will is smart and climbs high up on the mast by himself, not warning the others.  But they understand once the captain is suddenly pulled into the sea by a giant tentacle.  Now, these are the strange sailors who Elizabeth escapes Port Royal on.  She is no longer on the ship, but she left her dress, which Will discovers.  Of course, Will has other things to think about like living at the moment, but the idiot crew members apparently don't.  One holds up the dress screaming, "Here it is!  Take it!" Believing that "This Ship Is Haunted" by the dress and its all the kraken really wants.  There is some creepy organ music played in the background for dramatic effect.  Was Davy Jones' playing it I wonder.  The kraken tears apart the boat and the Dutchman take the survivors.  But according to Jones, there is no survivors.  So they slaughter them all.  Will, however, barely survives.  He swims over, back onto the Dutchman, (nice work) and hides in the front.  Out of the frying pan, into the fire . . . and then back into the frying pan.  
But not to worry, Will again returns to the fire when the Black Pearl is attacked by the kraken.  Jones: "Who sent that thieving charlatan onto my ship?  Who told him of the key?  Jack Sparrow!"  Who else?  So we face yet another kraken attack.  Which is rather successful, thanks to Elizabeth.  The ship goes down with it's dearly beloved captain.  The kraken roars in Jack's face, and spits up some pretty gross stuff all over him, including Jack's lost hat!  Jack: "Not so had.  Oh!"  He puts his hat on and braces himself for the next adventure: "Hello, beastie."  And there they go.  Davy Jones watches contently: "Jack Sparrow, our debt is settled."  Or so it would seem.  

Saturday, June 9, 2012

"You've Seen It All, Done It All"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHNNY DEPP!!!  If you don't know who Johnny Depp is, you are having serious problems and I'm not really sure why you are on this blog.  But if you do know who Johnny Depp is, then you are aware that be plays our dear friend Captain Jack Sparrow, and does a pretty good job at it also.  So on today, June 9, 2012, Johnny Depp turns 49!  (Even though he looks about fifteen years younger.)  I shall now share with you my favorite movies Johnny Depp starred in in honor of his awesomeness.
5) Rango
In this film we fully embrace the fact that Johnny Depp is in all types of genres. From people pie makers to talking lizards he does a fantastic job.  This movie even won Best Animate Picture. Rango Falls out of a car while driving with his owners through the desert. He en counters a city full of strange animals. He soon realizes that this city is a bit low on water. Weird how are captain Jack Sparrow can't go with out a drink just like Rango. Any way he decides to impress everyone by telling them how great he is. They are so impressed that they make him sheriff. Once he is sheriff the little water the creatures have is stolen and the adventure begins. (It's also weird how here he is enforcing the law where in POTC he is a pirate)
4) Edward Scissorhands
Have you ever wondered where snow comes from?  Well, according to this film directed by Tim Burton, snow comes from the mysterious Edward Scissorhands, played by Johnny Depp of course, who uses his hands of scissors to shave ice, letting it fall round the city.  Edward was created by a scientist, who died before finishing his hands, so Edward must survive using scissors.  A nice young lady finds him living all alone and takes him in to live with her family. At first, Edward becomes a sensation in this suburbia, cutting people's hair and doing their lawn.  But Edward gets himself into trouble helping the teenage daughter of the family and must return to his secluded home, where he shaves the ice.
3) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Johnny Depp plays the wonky Willy Wonka in Tim Burton's adaptation of the children's story by Roald Dohl.  If you haven't read the book or even seen one of the movies, then you really did not have a very good childhood.  I'll enlighten you now, because it's never too late to learn.  Willy Wonka runs a huge chocolate factory but doesn't let anyone in. Suddenly, there is an announcement for a contest that for one day only five children may take a tour of the factory if they find a golden ticket.  Charlie Bucket finds a golden ticket and enters into the awesome factory.  Charlie then realizes upon his tour that Willy Wonka has chosen him to run the factory when Mr. Wonka is gone.  But of course, Tim Burton adds an extra spin by revealing Willy Wonka's troublesome past.
2) Alice in Wonderland
The birthday boy stars in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (Johnny Depp is in like half of Tim Burton's films, if you haven't realized) as the Mad Hatter.  Alice falls through a whole and finds herself in Wonderland.  After encountering quite a few other odd characters, she meets the Mad Hatter.  The Red Queen is out to get Alice though and the Mad Hatter saves her life by shrinking her and throwing her in his hat.  Alice returns the favor by later saving him from the Red Queen.  Together they team up with the rest of Wonderland to end the tyranny of the Red Queen.
1) The Pirates of the Caribbean
If you haven't noticed, I love The Pirates of the Caribbean series.  If it wasn't my favorite, then I guess this website would be called: or  
But it's not because Will Turner, Elizabeth Swann, Hector Barbossa, Angelica, Joshamee Gibbs, and of course Captain Jack make every movie thrilling, funny, and entertaining.  Usually, Disneyland makes rides from their movies, but for Pirates, they based the movies off of the rides.  Johnny Depp voices Jack Sparrow on the rides and video games also.  The first movie was a huge success at the box office, which most people creditted to Johnny Depp, who was nominated for an Academy Award for best actor as Jack.  Johnny Depp said that Jack Sparrow is apart of him and he plans to play him in all of the future films.  Hopefully he will return in a fifth Pirates of the Caribbean movie!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

"I Love Your Eyes"

As we all know, Captain Jack Sparrow is a huge fan of eye liner.  But what you might not know is why.  I mean, most people believe that it's because Johnny Depp, who does a magnificent job playing our favorite pirate, always have to look wonky in just about every movie.  Which still holds true, but there's is a logical explanation for all this make up which is explain in A.C. Crispin's novel, The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Price of Freedom.  As we have mentioned before, Jack has a close lady friend, a pirate like himself, Lady Esmeralda.  Well, she runs into Jack while he is first mate on the Fair Wind, a merchant ship for the East India Trading Company.  She invites him over for dinner on her ship.  Of course, once the two are alone together, Jack tries to charm her, commenting on her very nice eyes.  Jack: "You're eyes.  I love your eyes.  The way you've enhanced them.  What did you do?"  Esmeralda: "A little trick I picked up in the east.  It's called kohl.  They all outline their eyes there, in that part of the world, both men and women.  The sun is so hot, and it helps protect against thee glare of the water.  It also helps prevent infections.  You should try it, Jack.  It would look wonderful on you.  Let me show you."  And so the obsession begins.  Esmeralda applies the kohl above and below his eyes.  Jack approves of it: "Thanks love.  I like it.  I'll have to remember this next time I'm in the east."  Esmeralda: "Oh, they sell it in Tortuga.  You know Tortuga."  We all know the lovely city of Tortuga, but that is a post in and of itself.  But since Jack is now working for the EITC, he doesn't visit the pirate port of Tortuga any more.  That is, until he gets the Black Pearl to himself.  And of course, his first stop is Tortuga, where he gets himself that lovely kohl eyeliner and we see it constantly on him ever since.  
But let's not forget the time when Jack goes a little overboard on make up when he is trapped on the cannibal island in The Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.  Wasn't that a lovely image?  Once Jack has this lovely stuff on, he realizes that Esmeralda was right about it: it does prevent the glare of the sun.  And down in the Caribbean and Africa (where much of the book takes place), the sun is stronger since it's closer the the equator.  As well, as protecting his eyes from getting hurt (and who wants a blind captain?  No offense to Mistress Ching, she's just no Jack Sparrow), it also prevents infections.  And our dear Captain Jack Sparrow cannot catch some nasty sea infection and die on us, can he?  There is a method to the madness.