Sunday, June 24, 2012

"And guess what's inside it!"

 I'm sure we all remember the epic 3-way duel between our favorite Captain:Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, and James Norrington; But what we sometimes forget is the hilarious situation that incurs afterwords.  Jack thinks he has the heart of Davy Jones in his jar of dirt (oddly given to him to protect him from Davy Jones) But unfortunately he doesn't.  However, he is unaware that he has lost control of that secret weapon. So completely ignorant of everything, Jack waves his prize in the face of Davy Jones,  Jack Sparrow: [holds up jar of dirt] Oi! Fish-Face! Lose something? Eh? Scungilli! [falls down stairs, holds up jar again] Jack Sparrow: Got it! Come to negotiate, eh? Have you, you slimy git? Look what I got. Jack Sparrow: [sing-song] I got a jar of dirt, I that got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!    (Or rather guess whats not inside...) Now where is the heart you might ask?  I might answer, sneaky Norrington stole it after he skulked off somewhere in between stabbing at people with his sword.  Where did he take? Well he took it to two people I personally don't like very much,  Lord Cutler Beckett and Mr. Mercer.  
Mr. Mercer: The last of our ships is returned. Lord Cutler Beckett : Is there any news on the chest? Mr. Mercer: None. But one of the ships did pick up a man adrift at sea. [drops the Letters of Marque on the desk] Mr. Mercer: He had these. [Beckett opens the letter to look at it before looking up at Norrington] Norrington : I took the liberty of filling in my name. Lord Cutler Beckett: If you intend to claim these, then you must have something to trade. Do you have the Compass? Norrington: [shakes his head] Better. [tosses a bag onto Beckett's desk] Norrington: The heart of Davy Jones.    Well Norrington now that we all know you are a sleazeball lets move onWell actually we are going backwards cause we had to deal with Mr. Sleazeball.  We join Jack and his crew as they desperately try to fight the Kraken, they buy some time by cutting off one of the Kraken tentacle thingys, But he come back soon after and weaves his tentacles threw the ship and starts flinging people and things around.
Somehow Jack's jar of dirt got knocked over in all this craziness and Jack discovers that the heart has been stolen, and after searching through all that wonderful dirt it's still not there, imagine that?!? Well back to the fight,  The crew declares the battle to be lost and elects to abandon ship (LAME!), They all start to load up the escape boats(which are rather old and not very safe looking)When Elizabeth decides to take maters into her own hands, we all know what happens next. But lets rehash it just for fun! Elizabeth seduces our hero and handcuffs him to the main mast of the Black Pearl and sends him to his doom, or so she thought. Our brave hero (Jack of course) escapes from his bonds almost early enough to escape  the Kraken's wrath, But unlike his cowardly crew he faced the evil Kraken Head on.( he also faced living with 100 of himselves in the land of deserts with ships in the middle of them. But he doesn't know that yet) and unfortunately He (our beloved Jack) was eaten by the Kraken, darn.  This is what happens when you let women on board ships, wonderful people get eaten!  Why does anyone ever listen to her?(Elizabeth that it is)  This act of stupidity comes back to bite her in the butt many many times. She almost lost Will over this.  What an idiot.
Well anyways, after the crazy long day of battling sea monsters and making poor life decisions, Tia Dalma meets with the survivors of the Kraken attack to drink and remember their fallen captain, Elizabeth tries to lighten the mood by giving the lamest toast ever "He was a good man"(emphasis on the word tries) and then Will tries to comfort Elizabeth who is clearly remorseful (But he interprets it as sadness) By saying that they would do anything to get Jack back, Hold on wait a minute aren't we in the presence of a voodoo witch? Well Tia Dalma know where they have to go to get Jack back But she can't really steer a ship, So using her amazing magic skills she somehow brings back dearly departed Captain Hector Barbossa to guide them on their journey.(Who in their right mind would bring back that creep? Oh yeah she isn't in her right mind,) "All right. But if you go and brave the weird and haunted shores at World's End, then you'll need a captain who knows those waters." (Wow so encouraging.)    Hector has a one track mind when it comes to living again, He just wants his apple and then his ship. But lets not forget about your wonderful friend (okay frenemy) out there waiting to be rescued from the land of the dead! Seriously people. And after Mr. Fruit-Lover gets his apple they make plans to set sail for the World's End.  (apparently they didn't get the update, the world is round people! Clearly they drink to much rum.) Hopefully they find Jack before he shoots himself, or dislocates his shoulder trying to pull a ship or something crazy like that!

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