Thursday, June 28, 2012

"I Support The Missionary's Position"

In The Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, when Captain Jack Sparrow realizes that there's a possibility he may not survive the Fountain of Youth, he consults his dear friend: Philip Swift.  Philip is washing his face off in a stream when Jack sits down next to him.  Jack: "Clergyman.  On the off chance that this does not go well for me, I would like it noted here and now that I am fully prepared to believe in whatever I must, so that I may be welcomed into that place where all the goody-goodies get to go.  Savvy?"  YAY!  After Robby Greene's many talks to Jack about the Bible, he's finally considering it!  Philip: "We have a word for that, Jack.  You can convert."  Jack: "I was thinking more of an as-needed basis."  Sorry Jack, as much as I'd love to see you in the Kingdom of Heaven, I'm not so sure it really works like that.  Philip just smiles amusedly at Jack.  Not a very good missionary if you ask me.  
But Philip gets distracted when he sees the mermaid, Syrena, in her coffin gasping for air.  He quickly jumps up.  Philip: "Quartermaster!"  Quartermaster: "Aye?"  Philip: "She cannot breathe!"  Quartermaster: "She has water."  Clearly, the water isn't doing her much good.  Do you want a dead mermaid?  Didn't you go through all that trouble to catch her alive to get fresh tears?  Philip: "She needs air!"  Philip runs over to the coffin and tries to open it, but it's locked.  Philip: "Open this."  Quartermaster: "She will escape."  Philip: "You're killing her."  Jack is sitting in the background, with his mind still on "that place where all hte goody-goodies get to go".  Since converting isn't really on his priorities, he hopes that backing up a clergyman will be enough.  Jack: "I support the missionary's position."  It might take a little more than that, sorry.  
The quartermaster just begins to laugh at that.  But while he's laughing, Philip grabs his sword right out of his sheathe.  He shoves the sword into the crack in the coffin.  He pulls it upward, allowing air to come in.  She gasps the air very quickly.  Just in time, Philip.  Except, he almost stabbed her with the sword when she shoved in there.  That would be a little counter productive, killing her while trying to give her air to breathe.  Philip: "See?"  You showed him!  Even through he clearly sees, the quartermaster angrily pulls out his sword.  Philip again acts quickly.  He puts his Bible in place of the sword (how metaphoric!), keeping it open a bit.  She's saved the the Word of God, how also metaphoric!  Blackbeard however, is not so touched and commands everyone to continue.
Blackbeard is so keen on hurrying up, that because his crew is moving so fast, the drop the coffin and the whole thing shatters.  What a clutz.  Blackbeard, instead of getting mad at the crew, is angry at her.  Blackbeard: "You will walk."  Philip runs over and allows her to wear his shirt.  In the previous scene, his act of kindness for her was sweet.  But when he puts his shirt on her, it's a bit creepy.  The he helps her stand up.  She tries to take a step but falls down.  Syrena: "I cannot."  Blackbeard and Angelica just look at her indifferently.  Blackbeard: "Walk or die."  Why is everyone so keen on killing her?  The quartermaster draws out his sword an points it at her.  So now he can kill her and they can turn around again and revisit Whitecap Bay and pick up another one!  That would be a great idea.  
Philip  saves the day!  Philip: "Put your arms around me."  Syrena snaps back at him: "I do not ask for help."  And I'm sure you didn't ask to get hauled around in a coffin to your death, but you better just go with it.  Too bad Jack is off getting the Chalices and can't stick up for our dear preacher again.Philip: "But you need it."  Truer words could not be spoken.  She timidly slips her arm around him.  He stands up with her in his arms as though she weighs nothing.  Philip: "We're in a hurry, yes?"  Blackbeard continues to look the same.  Blackbeard: "Do not fall behind."  What a grump he is.

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