Thursday, June 14, 2012

"There's Been A Horrible Mistake"

Usually, when Jack meets old friends they want something from him.  Anamaria wants her ship back, Will wants his compass, Beckett wants him dead, and Angelica wants her way to the Fountain of Youth.  So to accomplish this she knocks him out and forces him onto her ship.  This isn't the first time Jack's been knocked out and press-ganged into a crew by a good friend (hint hint, Christophe;).  
So when Jack wakes up onboard The Queen Anne's Revenge as a member of the crew, he's not all that happy.  He gets flipped out of his hamock and onto the floor with a gruff: "Show a leg sailor!"  Jack, out of instinct from being a sailor all his life, replies: "Aye, sir!"  Jack then remembers that his days of taking orders have been long gone.  Jack: "What?  There's been a horrible mistake."  This is when we are first introduced to Scrum, a fellow crew mate on board.  Scrum: "Keep moving."  Now everyone is giving Jack orders.  Jack: "I'm not supposed to be here."  Scrum: "Many a man's woken up at sea, no idea what, when, wherefore or why.  No memory of the night afore whence he signed up and drank away all his bonus money." 
Scrum starts to laugh at Jack as they begin to do their chores.  He thinks Jack spent all his money on rum and in his drunk state joined the crew.  Jack is no stranger to rum, as we all know, but we also know that Angelica shot him to sleep.  Jack: "No, no, no.  You don't understand, mate.  I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.  The original.  The only."   You tell him!!!  Scrum: "Scrum, and the pleasure's all mine.  Now, keep moving."  Jack and Scrum are then assigned to mop the floor.  Rather below Captain Jack Sparrow.  Jack: "Why is there a glass coffin?"  For the mermaid of course!  Except our favorite character Philip Smith informs us that mermaids can't be locked away with no air.  So the coffin was for nothing :/  Scrum: "Do I look like a man in charge?"  NO!  Jack should be incharge but instead he's scrubbing the deck along side with you!  
Jack: "Where am I?"  By this point Jack still has no idea what ship he's on and the only person he's met is Scrum, who doesn't seem like the brightest guy.  Scrum: "'Scuse me, Captain Sparrow, sir.  I be right honored to welcome you aboard our world-reowned vessel of infamy, Queen Anne's Revenge."  Dun-dun-DUN!  Jack, like any true pirate, recognizes this ship the second the words leave Scrum's lips.  Jack: "Blackbeard."  Cue dramatic and haunting music!  Now they're scrubbing the main deck with rags as creepy looking quartermasters stomp around.  Jack: "He's a curious one."  Scrum: "He's been zombiefied."  Jack doesn't like the sound of this: "Eh?"  Scrum: "Blackbeard's doing.  All the officers are the same.  Makes 'em more compliant."  One of the zombies whips someone.  Jack: "And perpetually ill-tempered."  
This voyage just keeps getting better and better for Jack, doesn't it?  Not only must he serve as a crew member, but he's serving under angry zombie men!  This makes the two quickly snap back to work.  As they break for some water, Jack asks about our dear friend Philip who is tied up.  Scrum explains his story.  Scrum: "First mate sticking her neck out for some prisoner.  That you don't see."  That's not the shocking part of the story to Jack.  Jack: "'Her?' First mate is a 'her'?"  Now Jack's not sexist or anyting.  Some of his best lady friends are captains of their own ships (Esmeralda) and he has no problem admitting to liking "beautiful, bossy, competent woman", he's just not so big a fan of being forced to serve on their crew.  That's when he sees her, Angelica, standing on the quarterdeck overseeing all the action on deck.  This is not going to fly.  
So he corners her below deck with a hook.  Jack: "You are a ruthless, soulless, cross-grained cur."  But not a very brave one though as she is trembling with fear as he restrains her.  Angelica: "I told you I had a ship."  Jack: "No, Blackbeard has a ship, upon which I am now imprisoned."  Thank you so much Angelica!  Angelica starts pulling out of her butt about how they can sail together like they always wanted to gain immortality.  Jack's not falling for it this time.  Jack: "Blackberad.  Edward Teach.  The pirate all pirates fear.  Resurrector of the dead in his spare time."  Jack's not too happy about this situation here.  Angelica: "He will listen to me."  Not fooling Jack.  Jack: "He listens to no one."  Angelica: "Maybe to his own daughter?" 
 This seems to catch Jack's attention.  Angelica: "Long-lost.  Recently found.  Who loves her dear papa with all her soul."  Well, you must not love him very much because according to Jack, you have no soul! Jack: "He bought that?"  Who'd have though that Blackbeard would have a heart?  Angelica: "I sold that."  Jack: "Then it's the Fountain of Youth for him, or him and you, not you and me."  Again, thanks a lot Angelica!  This is just not Jack's day.  But not to worry, Jack always finds a way!  Hey, that sort of rhymes!

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